Criticise my script. Please.

As y'all might know, I've been blubbing my self-pitying eyes over my latest effort that was Rejected (yes, now it has reached such legendary status to deserve a Capital 'R'). So, sobsob, boohoo, yeah life sucks.

Then a friend asked me if I did post-mortems on my work. And I sheepishly said, erm, yah, not as often as I should. And there is a point to be made. I should always try to improve. And one learns best from one's mistakes.

If only Aston Villa would heed that advice.

ANYWAY, I dug up the oldest failure I could think off. This is Girl of My Dreams. Remember my submission to the 2005 Shortcuts Short Film Writing Competition Thing? This is a failure because it didn't win nor get a commendation.

I read through it again, almost a year after I wrote it. I see places where it can be improved. But, overall, I think... well, I tell you what. I'll let you read it and then you tell me what you think.

I'm looking for comments about what doesn't work and how it could be improved. (If you want to heap praise, that's acceptable too, just remember to use ALL CAPS, make it Bold, and font size 20 or more, please.)